Aug. 14th

"To do no harm."

That's been the motto for the life model I've tried emulate for the majority of my soon-to-be 36 years on this tiny planet. It's a model that makes sense; take what you can get without harming others, take care of family, friends and lovers as best you can, and depart this plane of existence in the karmic black, because positive credit likely makes for an easier transition on the other side.

For the most part I have succeeded in living this way, but I am not perfect. There have been many times when I have failed miserably as a family member, friend, and lover. I take all of these failures to heart, and try my damnedest to learn from them so I don't keep repeating the same mistakes. In this arena I have also failed quite often.

I can only hope that the people I have mistreated in the course of events can look at the whole of our family/friendship/relationship and see that I have tried to be a decent and caring person and will somehow forgive my transgressions.

What's all this rambling about you say? Well I recently heard from some friends who know, that I have been written about on a certain blog in a negative fashion. I'll just say it; this person happens to be an ex-girlfriend, and despite everything, someone that I still care very much for. I've heard that she claims that I have ruined part of her life, that I caused her to become alienated from shared friends, and that she is still angry about how things between us turned out.

I didn't know she had a blog before finding out, and I don't intend to read it now that I know. I'm not angry about the blog more than I am sad that anything that happened between us is still an issue. From what I've heard, she is quite happy with the new life that she shares with her boyfriend - and I say cheers to that! Everyone deserves to be happy, and there's not many more deserving than her. I guess I'm just confused how I am responsible for the dwindling of her pool of friends.

I can alienate just about anyone, I talk smack, I live life pretty much the way I want to, and I have a darker side that shouldn't be revealed to many - but I've never asked anyone to take sides in my favor. Nobody I've talked to amongst our shared friends has ever said anything negative about her to my knowledge, and still maintains friendships with her - as it should be. "Do no harm" - that's the motto I've tried to remember - especially with the breaking of a relationship.

"Do no harm" also applies to yourself. The self-inflicted emotional damage one can do to you by holding onto anger from the past is simply not worth it in my mind. I sincerely hope that she will be able move beyond these angry feelings towards me, and other friends that have been affected. Healing our relationship will likely never happen, but it'd be a shame if she let that stop her from healing the friendships that have been strained over the months. Forgive them, and forget about me - that's the only unsolicited advice I can give.

Life can offer the most glorious and greatest gifts, and still deliver the harshest and most painful lessons. All we can do while we're here is try to enjoy the best moments, make it through the bad ones, and at the end of the day - try to do no harm.