April 29th

Well it's been a mixed bag of a week - Wednesday was a fantastic day off, full of food carts and Johnny Cash cover bands. The rest was just, meh I suppose. Not too up, not too down, and yet definitely not quite right.

One relationships ended, and one changed forever in the last week. The one that ended was someone that I consider to be like my sister (if I had one). That relationship was damaged early and often by me, and it's not really that surprising that its over. It's still saddening to me nonetheless.

The second relationship was with my girlfriend, who despite much of my craziness harbored feelings for me for a time, despite the fact that I did a bad job of returning the same feelings. We are still friends however, and its probably a sign that we would not have worked out in the long-term anyway.

The failure of two relationships in the past week has me thinking about how many other friends or potential more serious relationships I am in danger (if at all) of losing. Friends were not something I had many of as a child growing up; mostly I kept to myself and remained the dark, quiet strange kid in the back, out of view of others. In high school, I opened up more, but by then it was too late with the people I went to school with for most of my life - you get labled easily when that happens.

Getting married and having kids when I was still a teenager was something that I would never want to change. I have two wonderful children (my daughter died in 2007), and my ex-wife is still a wonderful person, and someone I've been privaleged to know. The marriage failed for a myriad of reasons, but its safe to say the majority was my fault.

After that I entered into the relationship that's taught me the most about who I am and how to deal with any future intimate relationships. This woman is a really cool person, and I wish her well - but we were the worst possible mix of lonliness, insanity, and desperation that there could be. We fell for each other in a work environment (bad idea), planned to move in together while we were still in already established relationships (bad idea), and I was still in the midst of the grieving process over my daughter (strike three!). We had some really great times and some really HORRIBLE times together. This is the first relationship however, where I didn't feel completely responsible for its failure. There was plenty of "blame" to go around, and I feel equally responsible - which is healthy.

Since then, I've really tried learn how to be a "single" person for the first time in my life. I realize that I don't enjoy the single lifestyle as much as I thought I would all these years. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed the freedom to do what I want, when I want (for the most part), but I genuinely miss sharing myself with someone else and having the same gift given to me. Shared experiences are great with friends, and can be magical, romantic, and life-changing with someone who you love (or growing to love). I already knew this about myself somehow, but being single has driven home this point.

The difference for me now, is that while I do want to have a serious relationship, I am not interested in "forcing" it to happen. I don't want a relationship just for the sake of one. I'm willing to step back, not persue dead-ends, and let "nature take it's course" as it were. Getting to know someone in the long-term is the most important thing. The temptation to hurry things or settle for something else is strong, but that won't happen to me again. Life is too short for that bullshit. Of course, this all sounds good on paper - but something tells me that these gray hairs that I've acquired are good for more than just looking mature - gotta act the part now.