Friday, April 29, 2011
April 29th Part Deux
This is my blog. I don't apologize for ANYTHING written on this site. If anyone is offended, or disagrees with me - I don't care. The views expressed here are my own; nobody else has influenced them - and they are merely opinions or poetry. OPINIONS or POETRY. That is all. You can leave comments (good or bad)if you so desire, I won't hide them.
Broken Thoughts
The sun rises on the cold morning,
Warming the bones,
And the evening skin,
While the hustle and bustle,
Plays a sad tune,
There is that reminder,
The fire in the eastern sky,
Some things can be new,
Even broken thoughts,
Shattered in the mirror,
Reflecting reality in
Every splitered shard,
Will be mended,
By dawn's gentle embrace.
Warming the bones,
And the evening skin,
While the hustle and bustle,
Plays a sad tune,
There is that reminder,
The fire in the eastern sky,
Some things can be new,
Even broken thoughts,
Shattered in the mirror,
Reflecting reality in
Every splitered shard,
Will be mended,
By dawn's gentle embrace.
April 29th
Well it's been a mixed bag of a week - Wednesday was a fantastic day off, full of food carts and Johnny Cash cover bands. The rest was just, meh I suppose. Not too up, not too down, and yet definitely not quite right.
One relationships ended, and one changed forever in the last week. The one that ended was someone that I consider to be like my sister (if I had one). That relationship was damaged early and often by me, and it's not really that surprising that its over. It's still saddening to me nonetheless.
The second relationship was with my girlfriend, who despite much of my craziness harbored feelings for me for a time, despite the fact that I did a bad job of returning the same feelings. We are still friends however, and its probably a sign that we would not have worked out in the long-term anyway.
The failure of two relationships in the past week has me thinking about how many other friends or potential more serious relationships I am in danger (if at all) of losing. Friends were not something I had many of as a child growing up; mostly I kept to myself and remained the dark, quiet strange kid in the back, out of view of others. In high school, I opened up more, but by then it was too late with the people I went to school with for most of my life - you get labled easily when that happens.
Getting married and having kids when I was still a teenager was something that I would never want to change. I have two wonderful children (my daughter died in 2007), and my ex-wife is still a wonderful person, and someone I've been privaleged to know. The marriage failed for a myriad of reasons, but its safe to say the majority was my fault.
After that I entered into the relationship that's taught me the most about who I am and how to deal with any future intimate relationships. This woman is a really cool person, and I wish her well - but we were the worst possible mix of lonliness, insanity, and desperation that there could be. We fell for each other in a work environment (bad idea), planned to move in together while we were still in already established relationships (bad idea), and I was still in the midst of the grieving process over my daughter (strike three!). We had some really great times and some really HORRIBLE times together. This is the first relationship however, where I didn't feel completely responsible for its failure. There was plenty of "blame" to go around, and I feel equally responsible - which is healthy.
Since then, I've really tried learn how to be a "single" person for the first time in my life. I realize that I don't enjoy the single lifestyle as much as I thought I would all these years. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed the freedom to do what I want, when I want (for the most part), but I genuinely miss sharing myself with someone else and having the same gift given to me. Shared experiences are great with friends, and can be magical, romantic, and life-changing with someone who you love (or growing to love). I already knew this about myself somehow, but being single has driven home this point.
The difference for me now, is that while I do want to have a serious relationship, I am not interested in "forcing" it to happen. I don't want a relationship just for the sake of one. I'm willing to step back, not persue dead-ends, and let "nature take it's course" as it were. Getting to know someone in the long-term is the most important thing. The temptation to hurry things or settle for something else is strong, but that won't happen to me again. Life is too short for that bullshit. Of course, this all sounds good on paper - but something tells me that these gray hairs that I've acquired are good for more than just looking mature - gotta act the part now.
One relationships ended, and one changed forever in the last week. The one that ended was someone that I consider to be like my sister (if I had one). That relationship was damaged early and often by me, and it's not really that surprising that its over. It's still saddening to me nonetheless.
The second relationship was with my girlfriend, who despite much of my craziness harbored feelings for me for a time, despite the fact that I did a bad job of returning the same feelings. We are still friends however, and its probably a sign that we would not have worked out in the long-term anyway.
The failure of two relationships in the past week has me thinking about how many other friends or potential more serious relationships I am in danger (if at all) of losing. Friends were not something I had many of as a child growing up; mostly I kept to myself and remained the dark, quiet strange kid in the back, out of view of others. In high school, I opened up more, but by then it was too late with the people I went to school with for most of my life - you get labled easily when that happens.
Getting married and having kids when I was still a teenager was something that I would never want to change. I have two wonderful children (my daughter died in 2007), and my ex-wife is still a wonderful person, and someone I've been privaleged to know. The marriage failed for a myriad of reasons, but its safe to say the majority was my fault.
After that I entered into the relationship that's taught me the most about who I am and how to deal with any future intimate relationships. This woman is a really cool person, and I wish her well - but we were the worst possible mix of lonliness, insanity, and desperation that there could be. We fell for each other in a work environment (bad idea), planned to move in together while we were still in already established relationships (bad idea), and I was still in the midst of the grieving process over my daughter (strike three!). We had some really great times and some really HORRIBLE times together. This is the first relationship however, where I didn't feel completely responsible for its failure. There was plenty of "blame" to go around, and I feel equally responsible - which is healthy.
Since then, I've really tried learn how to be a "single" person for the first time in my life. I realize that I don't enjoy the single lifestyle as much as I thought I would all these years. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed the freedom to do what I want, when I want (for the most part), but I genuinely miss sharing myself with someone else and having the same gift given to me. Shared experiences are great with friends, and can be magical, romantic, and life-changing with someone who you love (or growing to love). I already knew this about myself somehow, but being single has driven home this point.
The difference for me now, is that while I do want to have a serious relationship, I am not interested in "forcing" it to happen. I don't want a relationship just for the sake of one. I'm willing to step back, not persue dead-ends, and let "nature take it's course" as it were. Getting to know someone in the long-term is the most important thing. The temptation to hurry things or settle for something else is strong, but that won't happen to me again. Life is too short for that bullshit. Of course, this all sounds good on paper - but something tells me that these gray hairs that I've acquired are good for more than just looking mature - gotta act the part now.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Slippery
My morning breeze,
A kiss in the wake,
Trembling at the touch,
And burning in the sun,
Sensing, the curves of,
Supple skin,
Not lined by pink ribbons,
Unable to clench fists,
With one hand outstreched,
I seperate the moon from the
From the tendons of the Earth
Away from the grey skies,
While slippery words,
Slide past wet lips,
Wielding rumors of the night, but
Sweaty embraces, and the feel of
Skin dominates the mind,
As the cool Spring air,
Reaches worn out bodies,
Asleep in jellied arms.
Dreaming of hot Summer days...
A kiss in the wake,
Trembling at the touch,
And burning in the sun,
Sensing, the curves of,
Supple skin,
Not lined by pink ribbons,
Unable to clench fists,
With one hand outstreched,
I seperate the moon from the
From the tendons of the Earth
Away from the grey skies,
While slippery words,
Slide past wet lips,
Wielding rumors of the night, but
Sweaty embraces, and the feel of
Skin dominates the mind,
As the cool Spring air,
Reaches worn out bodies,
Asleep in jellied arms.
Dreaming of hot Summer days...
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
April 19th
It's very interesting to look back at some of the writing that I've done. Some of it, I can read and not cringe with embarassment, but some I read a few lines and I regret ever posting. Perhaps it's some kind of therapy to do so anyway. The writing I can't stand are the ones where I stuff every last bit of imagery into the poem to the point where it makes no sense. The one I did last night felt quite forced and without direction, mainly because I was at work while I was doing it, but also I had no theme or guidance. When I feel I've written something worthwhile, its after I've had a phrase or certain words come to mind. When I do that, the writing come very easily, and nothing is forced. It only takes a hint of some theme or direction to come up with something good - even a title helps sometimes, although I feel better when I can weave a line in the middle of it all...anyway, here's hoping I think of more soon!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Tame
Against the shadows of the bloodless moon,
when we journeyed across the silver seas,
and she arose from the ocean, in the cold
morning air, to quell the thirsty heart,
And the newborn sun, did not shy away
from the center of Neptune's fury,
so I remembered her as she was then,
now ages ago, as old as the stars
we were no strangers to fray,
hunting the dawn from the edges
of our minds, while the blue
mountains, creaked and groaned in
an ectasy of the gods desire, the lighting
played against her sapphire gaze, two eyes
at one with mine, sparkling with immortal
flames
and we fell into the dark chasm of love
Those days are no more, fallen into disrepair,
like some cobble street from ancient times,
now only the desert hides the secrets
of sordid treasures spent on the crash of
swords and the flash of cannon,
I remember sometimes, those eyes in the dark,
piercing into the fabric of the mind,
saving me from the wreckage of despair,
long ago when the Earth was new,
and the rain fell with intent
washing away the stains
of regret.
when we journeyed across the silver seas,
and she arose from the ocean, in the cold
morning air, to quell the thirsty heart,
And the newborn sun, did not shy away
from the center of Neptune's fury,
so I remembered her as she was then,
now ages ago, as old as the stars
we were no strangers to fray,
hunting the dawn from the edges
of our minds, while the blue
mountains, creaked and groaned in
an ectasy of the gods desire, the lighting
played against her sapphire gaze, two eyes
at one with mine, sparkling with immortal
flames
and we fell into the dark chasm of love
Those days are no more, fallen into disrepair,
like some cobble street from ancient times,
now only the desert hides the secrets
of sordid treasures spent on the crash of
swords and the flash of cannon,
I remember sometimes, those eyes in the dark,
piercing into the fabric of the mind,
saving me from the wreckage of despair,
long ago when the Earth was new,
and the rain fell with intent
washing away the stains
of regret.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
April 12th
I haven't this snarky and mean in quite a long time. Don't know why this is - perhaps it's because the weather is so beautiful, and I want to keep everyone down in my hell when it rains. I'm sure it will pass soon enough after I become used to all the shiny happy people, and I rejoin their ranks. I find that occasional depression makes for quite good writing, so maybe over the next week or so I'll be able to take advantage of that.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Shedding
The course ridges of dead skin,
gray, pale, flaying and singed with
regret,
just out of reach, grasping
for relief - cool water in the cruel desert,
searching for that feeling remembered,
long ago when time seemed sweet,
like honey, but now crystallized,
a sensation of desire,
to shed your skin,
at the tip of the skull it begins,
flashing fire in every vein,
stripping away past the nose,
and your shoulders, worn with burdens
down past your soft belly, longing for touch,
sliding and squirming out, like a snake
inching past the knees and finally the toes,
as the sun rose, a new soul gleaming in the dawn
new life, at the cost of old demons,
who once ruled the night -
while you now rule the day.
gray, pale, flaying and singed with
regret,
just out of reach, grasping
for relief - cool water in the cruel desert,
searching for that feeling remembered,
long ago when time seemed sweet,
like honey, but now crystallized,
a sensation of desire,
to shed your skin,
at the tip of the skull it begins,
flashing fire in every vein,
stripping away past the nose,
and your shoulders, worn with burdens
down past your soft belly, longing for touch,
sliding and squirming out, like a snake
inching past the knees and finally the toes,
as the sun rose, a new soul gleaming in the dawn
new life, at the cost of old demons,
who once ruled the night -
while you now rule the day.
April 11th
I have been going through a MAJOR case of writers block. Unable to find inspiration, unable to just sit down and write, it's really been bothering me to leave my blog in such disarray. I think I've been able to get a few ideas over the last few days, and I am going to try and give it another go.
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